DISCLAIMER: This is a huge rant. Huge.
Just kidding. I love working! I do. If I didn't just absolutely love work then I wouldn't hack it as a stay-at-home-mom. I remember, very clearly I might add, several occasions where I have said that I could never be one of those moms that stay home with their kids. "I would go nuts! I have to get out of the house! I have to have frequent adult interaction. I could NEVER be a SAHM!" Yet, here I am, shuffling along in this crazy 24/7, never-any-down-time-job that only a lunatic would try to keep up with. I'm telling you, my once always-painted toenails and fingernails have never been so neglected. I haven't worn heels in months. Oh gosh, did I REALLY just admit to that? I have about 80 pair of heels in my closet that haven't seen my cute little toes in what seems like an eternity! Here lately, I find myself struggling with my vocabulary, and talking to people like I never finished primary school. Please understand that my usual conversation is comprised of 60% elementary aged banter, 30% baby talk, and a slim 10% adult chatter. I've begun to realize that even my vocabulary/speech falls victim to the old saying "use it or lose it".
Please believe that my decision to stay home with my girls has not been based on laziness, as any SAHM can advocate, but rather a desire to take care of my family in a way that is rarely possible to do as a working parent. No offense to you working gals(and guys) out there. I'm talking a cleaner house, home-cooked healthy grub on the table for most meals, more quality time together as a family, errands getting taken care of, laundry staying done, cloth diapering, nursing and a whole list things that happen around here on a day to day basis. I am working my rump off 'round the clock and still the work is never done. I work ten times harder now than I did as a working parent, ironic isn't it? Maybe some day, when my babies are more self-sufficient and don't need as much caudling, then I will be ready to return to work. For now, I am not ready. In my mind, you will have to drag me away kicking and screaming and I will never be ok with abandoning my responsibilities to my family....all for the sake of money. Ughh, what a dirty word.
But here we are, facing the start of a new school year. I know my duties will only increase, with the to's and fro's of dance class, PTA volunteering, community volunteering, Fall Festival, holidays, blah blah blah... and here I am taking on a J O B? O' sweet Lord, what's life come to, that I'm thinking I can bite the bullet and
I know what's coming. Harriedly getting ready to leave the house each morning, usually running late because I slept through the alarm again, out of exhaustion. The one or two days a week I'll take off will be a desperate struggle to do laundry, straighten up the house, and quality family time will be scarce. Constant fast food. No time to relax and find peace in this fast paced world.
Our minds crave meditation in order to function properly; whether that means sitting silently on your own and breathing deeply or relaxing in your mama's arms while she rythmically rocks you and sings to you. Despite my best efforts, I'll be short tempered, grouchy and just plain stressed. Not to say that stress is absent from my life currently, but I have better coping skills now, like more time to relax and counterbalance the stress.
I am absolutely not ready to be dragged away from my family, kicking and screaming.
I have defiantly refused to start the great job search. A smart person would start looking now, to better be prepared. I'm not yet willing to admit that working outside the home is the answer to this equation. I keep holding out for Zeb to get a big fat raise or a better job offer. I just think that there is a great probability that I will lose my ever-lovin' mind if I have to put my baby in the care of a stranger who looks after 12 other children everyday, gets paid minimum wage, and is ready to pull their hair out by noon. It scares me to death that something could happen or that they would not show her the proper love and care that Zeb and I give her at home. It doesn't help the situation that I've become close to manic the way I fret over her constant safety! Children, babies included, are deep thinkers. They are smart. It is up to us, as parents, to listen to them and understand them and encourage their growing minds. She won't get that in daycare.
I have some much more to say about this, but I won't. Thinking about it is stressing me out tremendously. I feel uber guilty already, and I haven't even left them yet. If I am this stressed about working, I wonder how stressed my husband is about me not working, you know....worrying about how we are going to pay the next bill.
Hmmm....sort of a catch-22, isn't it?