You know you are a mom when your 5 year old comes in the kitchen and vomits all over you, your kitchen table, chairs and floor and you just tell her to sit down, you drag the trash can around to her and then continue to feed your baby in the highchair because she is starving and this is better than listening to her scream from hunger while you clean the vomit....all the while trying not to look down at the chunks that are drying stuck to your legs and feet. A few minutes later, Lizette began to fall asleep in her food, so I decided to take her and put her to bed. I decided that the whole clean up process would be more efficient if she were sleeping, and yes, I cleaned myself up first. So here I am laying in the bed, getting her to sleep when.....
I have this beautiful, long haired, calico cat who once was afraid to be in the great out-of-doors. Seriously, she was terrified of even the backdoor being open and would run away at the sight. Now, after a year of slowly coaxing her to finally enjoy being outside, our efforts have seriously backfired. Like clockwork, every evening around bedtime she comes in through the catdoor, from the backyard, and brings in some sort of creature. She then proceeds to let out several of these very loud, very familar, particular meows. As if to say "Look, mom! Look what I brought in for you tonight!" Everynight it is something....lizards, frogs, grasshopers, snakes....the list goes on. My hubby works nights and thinks it is funny when I give him the 'nightly creature text'. If I am not careful to remember to do a floor check around the house, before bedtime, then I have nice surprises awaiting my morning (barefoot) stumble towards the coffee pot. A few mornings ago I came into the living room, still half asleep and stepped on something. This something had sort of a squishy, cold, crunch to it...then upon looking down I noticed that as I had stepped on it, it's little head popped off. After careful examination, I determined the head once belonged to the torso of a (now pancacked) mouse. The next morning while describing this incident to a girlfriend, on the phone, I narrowly missed stepping on a rather odd looking, wet lump in the same spot as the mouse. It took me a while to figure out what it was; a headless, legless, wingless, mostly featherless, torn open bird body. I don't understand how a declawed cat can be such a predator, but alas, she is. You know what they say - "A lizard a day keeps the vetrinarian away!".
The other night I went to check on Karmen in the bathtub and she had a frog swimming in there with her, courtesy of our little domesticated lioness.
(Have you guessed, yet, how these two stories merge into one? Vomit+Huntress Cat=?? Let me help you out here.)
=Job Opening in the Miller Family
(when...) I hear 'the meow' and come out of the bedroom just as she lets go of a locust in her mouth. It flies, she chases....they run through living room, she jumps...no backflips off of couch and knocks over a lamp...then chases it into the kitchen....RIGHT THROUGH THE VOMIT PILE. Chase ensues....
Now, I have kitty barf tracks from one end of my house to ...ugh, I don't want to know where all.
I won't show pictures of this, however. You're welcome.
So, I shall don my elbow high, cute rubber gloves, hold my breath and scrub-hastily. Ughh. Just ughh.
Did you hear me??
And this is how there came to be a temporary job opening in our family. I say temporary because I just need a break- I will be back to resume my duties at some point. Sorry, it's not a permanent position. You can't keep the job, because kitty barf tracks and all, I am so totally in love with my life.
Although....I do wonder what sort of sound insulation my closet has??